Divorce: the tragedy of broken marriages
The institution of Marriage today is not considered an exclusive pact ’till death do us part’. Couples blur their vows without any sense of guilt or remorse, and disregard the disappointment divorce leaves in its wake. In the last fifty years the rates have tripled, with a higher incidence among young people. Since 2000, first-year divorce rates have increased 30%. Seven out of ten couples are between 20-35 years old. 40% are children, which shows that the divorce has occurred at an early stage of the marriage. As ‘living in’ is all the rage, married couples will soon become a minority. Living at home offers pleasure without responsibility and the freedom to walk away or change partners when problems arise. Recent divorce statistics show that 20% of marriages end in divorce, 20% live in a hostile relationship, 20% live under the same roof but with no love between them, 20% pretend to be a loving couple and alone 20% are happily married.
Why does divorce happen?
o Immaturity: Young people marry hastily without understanding the meaning or the responsibility that it implies. It is a covenant relationship that should not be made lightly or broken in haste. You have to work on it daily through mutual commitment, trust and mutual love. Every marriage has the potential for divorce. Unless the partners work together on a daily basis to strengthen the marriage bond, the relationship is doomed to failure. Emotional immaturity, innate selfishness, or taking each other for granted can turn couples off and send them running in opposite directions. Those raised in loveless homes do not have the emotional talent necessary to strengthen the relationship. “Psychological immaturity is the key to marital failure,” says Jack Dominion in his book ‘Marital Breakdown.’
o Pressure points that contribute to divorce:
-Money or the lack of it is often the cause of discord. Lavish lifestyles that money can buy also lead to temptations like infidelity, alcohol, drugs, or gambling. The lack of money brings frustration, anger or recrimination. Love is tested in adversity.
– In-laws: Too much interference in the life of a young couple can be disastrous. That is why the Bible advises psychologically and emotionally ‘leaving’ the parents and ‘joining’ the spouse.
– Lack of quality time together. Absent Husband Syndrome due to long work hours, shift work, national or international travel, can leave couples alone. The companion who stays at home feels abandoned, and an idle mind, as they say, is the devil’s workshop. The relationship may falter or break.
-Excessive dependence on the spouse is a burden.
-Failure to address problems promptly causes them to fester in the mind and assume gigantic proportions.
o Change in marital equations:
-With the empty nest syndrome in midlife, spouses, especially women, feel free to follow their own aspirations. They become intoxicated with the possibility of freedom and look for other paths that bring them satisfaction.
-Women’s economic freedom makes them intolerant of the perceived shortcomings of their husbands. Men are made to feel redundant. Role conflicts create partner dissatisfaction.
o Sexual Freedom: Controversial writer Mira Kirschenbaum makes a mockery of marriage in her book, “When Good People Have Affaires.” She of adultery she says: “If your marriage goes into cardiac arrest, an affair is a defibrillator.”
But the Bible warns: “Marriage must be honored by all and the marriage bed must be kept pure.” (Hebrews 13:4) Liberated women want to be as sexy as men. When there is dissatisfaction with the spouse, they feel justified in seeking pleasure elsewhere.
o Provision of the law: Divorce is now very easy. More women than men are asking for a divorce. The men refer to them as ‘alimony drones’ because their divorced husbands assure them of financial support for life. The same applies to men who live off the alimony they receive from their working wives.
Divorce by mutual agreement or the ‘Casanova Charter’ allows divorce to those who urgently need it, without accusation or counter-accusation.
o Premarital nondisclosure about important issues such as genetic or mental illness, previous marriage, educational qualifications, employment status, homosexuality, or habits such as drugs or alcohol, can be a source of friction between spouses when the truth is known.
o Domination or intimidation by a partner through threats, violence, emotional or sexual abuse.
o Direct conflict between peers who express themselves destructively either through abusive language or punches.
Effects of Divorce:
This is a tragic crisis that can affect a family sociologically and psychologically. Psychologists say it’s almost like grief and just as painful. The aggrieved spouse goes through stages of anger, denial, and a phase of acute loneliness. Anxiety and depression may follow. Some even develop suicidal tendencies. In others, the desire for revenge is so strong that they may resort to tarnishing the spouse’s reputation. Sometimes revenge can be physical, such as hitting a person or throwing acid in their face to cause permanent damage.
Effects on children:
When divorce gets messy and ugly, kids’ self-esteem takes a beating. They become cynical and suspicious of relationships with adults, especially when parents discuss finances and the division of possessions. The repercussions may not emerge until adolescence. Many have behavior problems and an inability to relate positively to people. If they are not properly counselled, they may even develop borderline personality disorders. A survey of the 9/11 tragedy showed that suicide bombers came from dysfunctional families and broken homes. It is even said that Saddam Hussain grew up in a single-parent family, until his mother remarried. But his stepfather only multiplied his problems.
Children from divorced families show higher rates of divorce in their own lifetimes. The environment in which they have grown up may be the cause, as they have difficulty communicating their feelings, difficulty forgiving others, are insecure and often succumb to episodes of depression.
Tips for Divorce-Proofing a Marriage:
o Choosing a good partner. Never jump into marriage capriciously, but choose someone who is mature, compatible, God-fearing, and has a good character. The partner must be willing to commit to preserving the union and work hard at it. Norman Wright says, “Marriage is a total commitment to the whole person for life.” Partners working in tandem don’t fall off their poles. Interdependence has great value.
o Good communication style. Couples should discuss constructively not as enemies, but as friends who only have the other’s good at heart. No marriage is perfect. Conflicts arise from time to time and must be discussed with integrity and courage. Resolution must be the goal. In about 40% of cases, selfishness is the cause. Individual rights do not have to take precedence over the marriage commitment.
o Honesty and fidelity. The ‘one flesh’ bond must be maintained mentally, physically and emotionally.
o Praying together will cause God to do wonders and point you in the right direction to take.
Professor Howard Markham says that in 9 out of 10 cases, divorces can be predicted even before the couple is married. The way they relate, exchanging insults, refusing to see each other’s point of view, and a lack of healthy communication skills are all indications that the marriage is doomed.
Times when divorce is inevitable:
– Repeated infidelity, when the exclusive covenant of marriage is broken through extramarital affairs on a regular basis.
– Excessive violence that can endanger the life of the spouse and children. It can occur under the influence of alcohol or drugs.
– Incurable mental instability that disturbs the peace in the family.
However, divorce should not be the first option but the last resort, when all other avenues have been tried. The litigation brings with it the disintegration of the family, in which both parties suffer.