When your spouse has an emotional affair and doesn’t seem sorry, what do you do?

Last night, I got an email from a woman who told me her husband had an “emotional affair” with a co-worker, but he kept brushing it off, like it wasn’t really a big deal. The wife had found emails showing that this relationship was really inappropriate. The husband was confessing and confiding things about his marriage to the co-worker who had clearly crossed the line. However, he insisted that since they had no real physical or intimate contact, that “nothing had happened.” He insisted that the wife was making a big fuss out of nowhere.

This was certainly something important for the wife. She was deeply hurt by this and couldn’t stop thinking about it. Her inability to take this seriously, deeply repent and try to fix this mess was seriously affecting and endangering her marriage. But, the wife couldn’t make him see this and she suspected that he didn’t really care as much as she did. She wanted my advice on how to make her see that this was a serious problem. She wanted to do something to make him repent, so she wouldn’t do this anymore and they could move on. I tell you what I told him in the next article.

Getting a spouse to take seriously the damage caused by the emotional relationship: The first step to gaining some remorse is to make them understand how serious this really is. Because often saying that because “nothing happened”, this fact puts this relationship in a completely different and less harmful category, it’s not just empty words. They really believe this. Sure, deep down, they may have a nagging feeling that what they’re doing isn’t right. But, they are able to tell themselves that nothing has happened and that maybe they are confiding things that you would not understand or that they do not want to burden you with.

That does not mean that you are not wrong and that you do not have the right to feel what you feel. I tell you this because I want you to know that in their minds, they are probably telling the truth. So to get the remorse and apology you want, you’re going to have to make them see that this is a huge betrayal in your eyes, that this is a huge deal.

If you haven’t had a calm, rational, frank discussion about this, now is the time. Often, as unfair as it is, if you are overly emotional or extremely angry, they will shut you down, if only as a means of self-protection. Therefore, it is important to choose a time when you can be as calm as possible and let them know that, whether they agree or not, this is an important issue for you that needs to be fully addressed and rectified.

You can follow this up by asking them to take action because they value their feelings and their marriage more than they value being right at all costs. And you can also ask them how they would feel if they had read that email, or heard those conversations, or seen that interaction, with you and a friend or co-worker, even though technically “nothing happened.”

In truth, it really is “cheating” if you’re doing something you wouldn’t if your spouse was right over your shoulder. If you keep it a secret, then you must know in your heart that your spouse would not approve of it and that he is wrong in some way.

Get the apology and recovery you want after the emotional affair:After you have been able to communicate that this is very serious and painful for you, give it some time. Perhaps it is too much to want understanding and apology at the same time. (This isn’t fair, I know. But the fact is you and your spouse are looking at this quite differently.) The goal should be to move forward and make some progress with each other.

If you think about it rationally, there is a good chance that you want your strong marriage back. Therefore, do not act in such a way that it makes him feel less close to you and closer to the person with whom he has been cheating on you emotionally. This may require you to take as small steps as possible. That is completely acceptable and understandable.

But, as you start to make a little progress and your spouse becomes a little more receptive, then it’s time to once again communicate what you need in a calm and direct way. There is nothing wrong with telling your spouse that you need him to understand that he needs to repent because he understands how this affected you. And you need them to express remorse for him, since he helps you believe that you don’t have to worry about it happening again (since they know he hurts you the way he did).

In truth, the apology is certainly important. And you deserve it. But, what’s more important is where you go from here. Because you need to focus on your relationship with your spouse, not his or her relationship with someone else. The truth is that it is not time that heals wounds. It’s what you do with that time that counts. So take decisive action to rebuild trust and bond so that you can truly move forward and get the close and loving marriage that you truly want and truly deserve.