Possessiveness and its tragic effects on marriage

Possessiveness in marriage is the desire to dominate or control all aspects of a spouse’s life. It can be regarding friendships and relationships, jobs, hobbies, or even shows that can be seen on television. It can lead to coercive control of the other person, making the victim afraid to object to such behavior or to do what she wants to do. Possessiveness is commonly attributed to men. But there are many women who also like to keep their husbands in a handshake. Probably the term “chicken peck” reflects this attitude.

A marriage was arranged between an intelligent and lively young pharmacist and a private bank official. Although his features were distorted by Bell’s palsy, the parents did not think about it. He had a stable job with a good income and this guaranteed the safety of his daughter. Within a few months, the girl became a sad, moody and distracted woman. Her husband was possessive to the point that she had to give him an hour-by-hour account of her behavior at work. She obstructed her professional progress in different ways.

He was unable to participate in any social activities with his colleagues. Three children followed in quick succession. The girl she tolerated her husband’s behavior for ten years. She then went on the run, leaving a note in which she said that unless her husband went to psychiatric treatment for her abnormal behavior, she would never return. One remembers the nursery rhyme of “Peter, Pumpkin-Eating Peter that he married a wife but he couldn’t keep her. So he put her in a pumpkin shell, and there he kept her very well.”

But the girl broke the shell screaming “Don’t you dare come close to me”.

Evidently, his facial deformity had given him a complex. He felt that unless he controlled his wife, she would be unfaithful or even leave him. He lost her not because of her appearance but because of her behavior. Timely psychiatric intervention finally prompted a meeting.

Signs of possessiveness:

• Controlling a spouse to cower and submit to your wishes.

• Unfounded suspicion of your activities, who you meet and who you talk to. Not only his interaction with the opposite sex, but also female friendships are suspect.

• Frequent phone calls to check on your activities.

• Socializing with friends is totally prohibited.

• Selfishness without regard for your spouse’s likes or dislikes.

• Spy on your movements through private detectives.

Reasons for possessiveness:

1. Insecurity: Growing up in troubled families, childhood love deprivation, parental abandonment may have created deep-seated insecurity. Therefore, he wants to hold on tightly to his ‘possession’.

2. Lack of trust in the spouse.

3. Inferiority complex: A spouse may be better educated and better qualified. You may have an important job and receive a fabulous salary.

4. Borderline or acute personality disorders: Those with schizophrenia or bipolar disorders are prone to insecurity and possessiveness.

5. Egocentrism and selfishness. He cannot think beyond his own comforts.

6. Jealousy can be covered or open.

7. When love becomes addiction, the loved object becomes obsession.

Effects on the victim:

– Frustration and resentment against the intimidating spouse.
– You can retire socially or vocationally.
– Self-loathing and loss of self-esteem.
– Depression.
– Desire to flee from the clutches of the spouse.

How to prevent possessiveness:

The two most important elements required for a stable marriage are love and trust. This requires a proper understanding of the different roles of spouses in a relationship. Individual differences must be respected. Although the marriage commitment supersedes some individual rights, it should not destroy all individual rights. Each should have the freedom to develop her personal skills and interests. Spouses should be allowed to have friends of the same sex.

Mr. Scott Peck calls the lack of appreciation of the separation of the other narcissism.

“Love is separation,” he says, “the genuine lover perceives the beloved as having a totally separate identity. The genuine lover encourages this separation and the unique individuality of the beloved.”

Each individual needs physical and mental space to function at full capacity. One of the spouses cannot be an extension of the other. There should be time for friends and time for hobbies. However, there must be a mutual agreement on how much time can be spent on separate activities. The time they spend apart does not distance them from each other. Every little absence of the loved one makes love grow.

“Separation improves the marriage relationship,” says Scott Peck.

Generosity allows partners to genuinely enjoy the success of their partners. They should encourage and support each other.

How to overcome possessiveness:

• Discover the root of your insecurity. Do you have an inferiority complex about your origin or your work?

• Are you afraid of losing your spouse’s property? Communicate your feelings and fears to your partner and clarify the matter. You will discover that your fears are unfounded.

• For any relationship to survive and grow, there must be mutual trust and open communication.

• Get over selfishness and give your spouse room to grow.

• Remember that possessiveness is a terrible form of abuse. It can’t be called love. “Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres” (I Cor. 13:6).

• Although marriage is a legal bond, it does not mean the slavery of the spouse.

• Seek professional help and advice.

Tips for Victims:

– Don’t expect others to fight your battles. Confront your spouse and reclaim your distinctive identity.

– Do not tolerate abuse in any form. It is better to end a destructive relationship.

Author/philosopher Khalil Gibran leaves us with this thought:

“May there be spaces between your union and may the winds of the heavens dance between you.”

Relationships take time to develop. They must be strengthened and nurtured by love and patience, commitment and trust. Possessiveness leads to manipulation through intimidation, coercion, or even seduction, so that the offender can get his way. Someone compared manipulation to witchcraft. Whether husband or wife, one does not have full authority to control another.